Turn It Down

Throughout most of my adult life, I have been known for my tenacity, brazenness, and passionate advocacy. I have a competitive personality which I have come by honestly after years of competitive sports and being a woman in the fire service. Throughout my career, there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I didn’t have to prove myself to somebody. Unlike my male counterparts, seniority and rank don’t grant me anything. It doesn’t bother me, it’s just a fact. I have adjusted to the environment by actively attempting to earn the respect of those with which I work. I never back down from a challenge and aim to work as hard or harder than anybody else in the room or on the team.

This perspective requires balance. I don’t need to be better than anybody else. I don’t need to make a fool of anybody else. My goal is to be good enough to earn the trust and respect of my team so they know they can depend on me to do the job. I am also sensitive to the individual needs of my teammates and recognize the importance of their personal confidences. Effective teams work together by building each other up to maximize their strengths and minimize their weaknesses.

During the first few years of my tenure in administration, I was fortunate enough to have a mentor that provided regular feedback. Whether a written report, difficult decision, presentation, or otherwise, I looked forward to his constructive criticism in my continued professional development. One day, after one of our committee meetings during which I did my usual “leaning in” – speaking up, advocating, and articulating, his feedback was a motion of his right hand, index finger and thumb, simulating the turning down of a knob.

Believe me, I know I am imperfect, I have many “spirit breaks”, but this I did not expect. I thought I was in-check, in control, and effectively walking the line of respectful courage. I thought it was what I needed to do in the moment, all moments, and now I was being told to “turn it down”.

Like all constructive criticism should encourage us to do, I reflected on this feedback. I still think about it often. It hasn’t changed who I am or where I come from, but it does give me pause and encourages a greater sense of awareness. It has increased my sensitivity to the room, to my team, and to the way in which I communicate. It has humbled me and empowered me. I have a knob, I have control, and I turn it down, or up, when appropriate.